Therapy
by lordofthepringles
Summary: Dave comes across an old therapy journal and reminisces about his life and struggles. Rated T for strong language. Implied Kurtofsky.


October 20th, 2012- Therapy Journal #14

It's just another boring fuck of a day. Nothing going on, nothing ever goes on here. I find myself more often than not, traveling this world, looking for something. I never find it though. I don't think it helps that I have no idea what it is I'm actually searching for. I've tried to fill the void with friendship, music, food, sex, hell I've even tried to convince myself I was in love. It didn't work. It never works. I'm tired of it not working. I'm tired of waking up in panics in the middle of the night, wondering if I'm good enough, if I'll ever be good enough. I guess my life is okay. At least that's what I'm told. My friends tell me I'm doing great, and to keep trying. My family doesn't really know how to talk to me, so we nod politely and smile a lot. I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend. There was one guy I thought I might like, but he turned out to be another disappointment etched into my heart. He was kind to everyone, but me. I didn't deserve that kindness though. I was mean and arrogant and I pushed him around. I don't even know why I did that. Well, actually I do. I was scared. I was terrified that who I was, was someone I was not supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to have those feelings, especially not for him. He had the power to destroy me with one look, one action. I wasn't prepared for that. I hurt him, more than I ever knew. It wasn't until I was so entrenched in this cycle of hatred and self-loathing, that I began to understand. By then he was gone. It was too late. But he came back. _With a boyfriend._ Yeah, that sucked, big time. It was like a sucker punch to the heart. It wasn't like I'd ever have a chance anyway. He was kind and smart and beautiful. I was ugly. I was fat. I was not smart, kind, or beautiful. My feelings never went away though. Surprisingly, we made amends. I apologized, he forgave. Things seemed to be getting better. Then there was a fiasco at junior prom, and things fell apart again. I decided to go to a different school, because of it. I ran into him randomly one night, and I saw that his relationship with his boyfriend wasn't the best, and so I decided to fight for him. Well, not so much fight as let him know I was another option. I made some romantic gestures. I got shot down big time. Like really pathetically actually. He told me that I was wrong, that I wasn't in love with him. Oh, yeah, did I mention the part where I told him I might be in love with him? Yeah, that ended up with me feeling even worse. Everything I had been feeling and dealing with had been invalidated in that moment. The worst part was that my teammate at my new school saw me. He outed me to the school and after weeks of being bullied about being gay, every fear I had ever had were brought to light, and every person who I thought was on my side turned their backs on me. I was devastated. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted the pain to go away. The pain of knowing that the one person I thought I could turn to, didn't want to talk me. I called him nine times, and each time it went unanswered. My best friends stopped talking to me, and even my mother told me was I broken and wounded. I tried to kill myself. I hung myself in my closet. I had had enough. There was nothing left this pitiful and cruel world could offer. I guess my dad found me, at least that's what the doctor told me when I woke up in the emergency room. They fed me line after line about being lucky to be alive and my dad refused to leave my side for three days. Not one person from my new school came to see me, which I expected. What I didn't expect was for kids from my old school to show up. But a lot of them came and gave me flowers and told me they were glad I was still alive. All I wanted to do was scream, REALLY? Even when you were pulling that crap and nominating me prom king and Kurt prom queen? Even thinking about Kurt made my heart ache. I hated having the reminder of my feelings and love being rejected. I mean, most people at least pretend to be flattered when someone says they love them. Am I really, SO bad that even my love is rejected? I guess that's what it must be, but god damn it. It fucking hurts. I sit in silence as Quinn glares at me, while the rest of the Christian group's kids talk to me and sing to me. The singing helps actually. They chose a few songs that make me feel better. They leave and it's just me and my thoughts again. My mind races to the funeral that should have been. I feel cheated, robbed somehow. I get angry. I know it's irrational. I know I shouldn't feel angry that I didn't die. But I wonder would anyone have showed up? I mean in some ways attempting, but not quite making it is worse. It means I failed at something again, and now people have to show fake sympathy. If I had succeeded, at least I would've done something right for once. I start feeling desperate again. I want to get out here and find a gun, or maybe I can find an unattended medicine cart and just end my pain that way.

Then the doorknob turns and he's standing there. I want to cry and yell at the same time. I want to tell him to get the fuck out. I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want his fake sympathy either. It was bad enough to feel it when he broke my heart at Valentine's Day. But he walks in and puts more flowers on my table. It's awkward and uncomfortable and I have never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life. I don't understand the feelings I'm having. I don't know that I want to either. It's enough for me that he showed up at all, even though my brain is yelling at him to get out. My heart on the other hand is jumping up and down and meanwhile I'm stuck in the middle, trying to figure out who to listen to.

He ends the silence though and tells me he's so happy I'm alive. He tells me that it will get better and asks me to dream with him. I fall in love with him a little bit more in that moment. I dream of my life ten years from now. He's in the dream with me. The dream is out there, it's beautiful and he is that dream for me. Ten years from now, he is my husband, we have a son and life is good. He's dreaming himself and I know I'm not the one in it, but at least I have a dream. At least I have something to look forward to. I know he doesn't love me, that he never will, but he saved me today. He saved me from finding pills or a gun. He saved me from myself, I think he's always been saving me, and it took until this moment right here for me to realize it.

Dear Aiden,

I know that you are struggling and hurting right now, Aiden. I know you want for me and your dad to make it all better for you, but I cannot do that. My hope is that you can find some hope and peace from my journal entry, so that you understand what I went through in order for you to be here today, with your dad and me. We both love you a great deal and want nothing but the best for you. Beth is not the last girl you're ever going to love, and you will find love again someday, it took me ten years to finally the get the man of my dreams, and it took a lot of work and many mistakes and tears, but in the end all, the pain was worth it. I'm here for you whenever you need me.

Love,

Dad

Dave shoved the letter into the envelope and smiled as he had reminisced while writing the letter. It really had been a long time since he recalled the high school days, and the boy that had changed his world and saved him on the second darkest day of his life. It had taken six years for him to convince Kurt he had changed and was "right" for him, and another to be married. And Kurt had been right; ten years later they were married and adopted a son named Aiden. And now, another twelve years had passed and Aiden who had just turned fifteen was struggling with having his heart broken. Dave hoped that the lessons he had learned in life would be of some help to his son. He had hope though, because his son was strong and smart, much like Kurt and had the same determination and strong will as Dave. With the best qualities from both of his fathers, there was no doubt in anyone's mind, that Aiden would be just fine.


End file.
